Tidbits of Nothing (or Everything!)

MY FIRST REACTION to Hogzilla was to just go ahead and die. Let’s face it, once you’ve seen something like that, you really have no further reasons to continue being alive.

SO MY GYNECOLOGIST was groping my upper torso in search of any lumps yesterday when he said, "You and [your fiancé] should really check out Cirque du Soleil on your honeymoon. I paid over £100 to see it in London, and it was well worth it. Although, I’ve heard the Vegas version is a bit on the risqué side." On a previous visit, said doctor recommended "Cats" the musical whilst performing the same task.

I AM LOSING big-time in the NCAA b-ball tourney bet I have with AJ. We’re driving to Colorado this summer for a vacation with the Champion Teenager, and we were planning to split the driving chores in half. So, I thought it would be fun to make that drive time our wager material for the tournament. We started out both driving half of the ten hours there, five and five. The bet goes like this: We make our picks each round, and at the end of it all, we’ll add up all the wrong picks. The difference in wrongs will be determined, and the person who has the most will have 30 minutes of drive time added to his/her (okay, at this point definitely her) driving time for however many more wrong picks he/she had than the counterpart. (Wow, that was kind of difficult to explain in writing). Anyway, I am down by, like, four-and-a-half hours now. So, if you add that to my starter five hours, it looks like I’ll be driving all but 30 minutes of the trip. May the gods of the Elite Eight, give me strength.

I HOPE THESE sudden zits go away by Friday so I can have my engagement photos taken in harmonious peace.

GOOD-BYE, FLOWING LOCKS atop AJ’s head that are about two inches long now as you are snipped off forever by Val, the family hairdresser. Appointment time: 3:30.

HELLO, FOOD IN the house again after not having anything besides cereal, Ramen and condiments for a while there.

TO CELEBRATE ST. Patrick’s Day this year I did the usual: drank green beer, won free Budweiser koozies and generally had a high time with my man.

I GUESS GRILLED chicken salads are pretty good things to be addicted to, right?

THE NURSE WHO took my blood pressure and weighed me refused to deduct ten pounds for each shoe.

DEAR FINGERNAILS, WHY must you break off so easily nowadays?

SUPERNANNY FAILS TO live up to her name on several counts.

IT HAS BEEN discovered that I was - at least at one point in my life - a "hip friend," according to this article.

IN REGARDS TO the band Modest Mouse, I heard their recent show in Tulsa was "way too loud," and I’m not sure if the person giving me this information was being sarcastic or not.

I SO LOST the calf vs. heifer argument last night. I stand corrected and slightly ashamed.

I DO NOT want to mislead any readers by the previous tidbit. The argument did not pit calves against heifers. The debate was over the definitions of said creatures. Again.... I’m left humble in my bovine ignorance.

MY MOM DIDN’T even try to mask her disappointment the other day when I said "nah, I need to find a serious job" in answer to her question, "so, are you still thinking about graduate school?"

I MEANT TO take some of last year’s leftover Fourth of July sparklers to my friend’s 26th birthday party over the weekend. Turns out, not even sparkly, dazzling fireworks could’ve brightened up that particular "party" where the lights were too bright and the honky too tonk.

THAT SHOULD SUFFICE for now. Thank you for joining me.